Delicious Darkness: Understanding Your Shadow
I promised I would talk about inner darkness today.
Okay, here goes.
Evil is real.
And it’s not the Nazis. And it’s not Communism. It’s not racial supremacism or even child molestation. It’s not “out there”, existing in others.
It’s in me.
And it’s in you.
It’s in all of us. And we enjoy it.
Enlightened Psychiatrist Describes the Payoff of Negativity
In this lecture by the late David Hawkins, he explains the reason why we get stuck on certain negative feelings. It’s not the feeling itself. It’s the satisfaction (often repressed) that you get out of it.
(~1:00) “So you still hate your mother in law. What you’re stuck on is not your mother in law and not your hatred. What you’re stuck on is that you get a satisfaction and a pleasure… a sort of a vengeful… mergh.”
Evil is normally used to label overtly destructive acts towards others.
That’s one reason why we can get away with thinking that we do not have evil in our own hearts. We don’t see where those external acts come from. We don’t recognise evil in its nascent form.
If you can hold a grudge, you can slit a throat.
It’s only a matter of time, circumstance, and choice.
Think I’m being too harsh? Only if I’m trying to shame you. But shame is its own form of nascent evil.
I don’t seem to hold grudges, but I do hold on to illogical levels of shame. To the degree that you do that, you are able to slit your own throat.
Luckily, I have never gotten close to that, but I have had experienced enough irrational shame to figuratively shoot myself in my own foot.
Shame makes you feel as though you don’t deserve. You don’t deserve that girl. You don’t deserve that job or that promotion or that client. At its worst, shame makes you feel as though you don’t deserve life.
Bloody hell… this is getting dark.
Unsurprising, I suppose.
Peterson Realises He Could Enjoy Evil
(Timestamped at 3:15 to skip to the salient point. I recommend listening to the whole chilling thing when you get the time.)
Could you pulverise a man’s leg for being a snitch?
Think about it: Could you grip a cold, clammy lead pipe, raise it above a man as he struggles against your friend who’s holding him down, tears of horror welling up in his wide, bloodshot eyes, and slam it into his knee cap? After hearing the crack of bone and the unfettered screech of agony, could you do it again? Could you loose all inhibition and start to enjoy the repetitive thuds of metal and flesh? Could you put your back into it, wailing on his limb with feverish, delicious fury, listening eagerly for the cracking of bone and the snapping of sinew?
Could you leave the whimpering mess, exhausted from pain and screaming, and share a satisfied nod toward your ‘friend’ for a job well done?
Don’t be so quick to say you couldn’t.
Left unacknowledged, your darkness will come out in other ways. Small ways when you’re in as peaceful a time and culture as The West in 2018, but when what about when danger knocks at your door? What horror could you be capable of, then?
If you couldn’t stick to your principles with regard to stealing paperclips, what makes you think your “ethics” wouldn’t crumble under the slightest danger?
If you can falsely take credit for your colleague’s work, for example, you’re the sort of person who would have wrongly accused your neighbour of political incorrectness to Stalin’s henchmen so they would take him and his family off to the concentration camps, freeing up an apartment for your son to move into. (That sort of shit that did happen back then).
As you are with the small challenge, so you will be with the big.
Incorporating Your Monster: Becoming Good
I’m starting to believe that the more of your darkness you can admit to, without condemning yourself for your fallen human nature, the stronger you will be to resist its juicy temptations.
Tomorrow I want to bring this week’s writings together and make sense of what’s recently changed in my head.
Temptations feel different now.
Some do, at least.
Doing things I know I shouldn’t (by my own definition) feel more “sad” now, and less “fun and naughty”.
The Shadow is every bit of your psyche that you deny is there. I think what changed is I finally became conscious of a part of my Shadow that I had been denying all my life.
I have a YouTuber and Spiderman to thank for finally being able to admit the thing that might have been sabotaging my every move, all my life…
…my inner narcissism.