I said yesterday there seems to a “clog” within me that compels me to “miss-fire”.

Avoidance & Sabotage: My Twin Demons

I’ve lived in perpetual financial trouble ever since school, despite being capable and knowing a lot about how money changes hands and why. I’ve helped other people make a mint, but when it comes to myself, I tend to avoid opportunities and actively sabotage those I have.

The same is true of my love life. Avoidance and sabotage. I’ve broken up with 3 girls that I didn’t want to, 2 of which I even loved at the time! I’ve been on many nice first dates and simply chosen not to follow up. My Bumble profile has been half-done for months.

My health is no different, I suppose.

My potential in all these things is huge, as it is with many people, but I seem afraid of that potential.

It’s not just an inability to delay gratification. When I choose to I can be really quite tough and persistent.

It’s something else.

Chasing the Fairy of Improvement

After losing my faith in Christianity at 20, I learned about personal development. Pickup, biohacking, online entrepreneurship, memory techniques, productivity hacks up the wazoo, etc etc.

Eventually, I came across Paul Cooper, interviewed by Dane Maxwell of The Foundation (an online course in entrepreneurship).

Paul Cooper had found the ticket to stop self-sabotage.

He had cleared his psyche from emotional baggage such that nothing clogged up his choices anymore. He couldn’t even understand the idea of “worthiness” anymore. People either can or cannot, either will or will not. Being worthy has nothing to do with anything. It’s made up.

The problem with such “tickets” is you cannot simply hand it over to someone like a playing card. He went through tremendous pain to reach that point.

It led me to David Hawkins, a psychiatrist who had some intense enlightenment experiences and spent the latter years of his life trying to convey the “structure” of human consciousness in language that the rationally-oriented modern mind could accept.

Through his teachings I learned how to access old and repressed emotions and ‘feel through them’, to let them go. At least, that’s what it felt like.

Yet again, nothing changed in my external life.

Giving Up

After almost a decade of striving to become the “ideal me” I had fantasised about all along, something switched.

I gave up.

I started drinking alone. I stopped trying to make more money. I stopped trying to meet girls. I stopped trying to stay active or eat well.

I stopped trying to be better.

But the fantasy was still alive. And I’m starting to think it was the fantasy that’s been driving the avoidance and sabotage all this time.

I know, that’s opposite of what we all hear. “Set big, audacious goals,” they say. “Envision your ideal life and work tirelessly towards it,” they say.

Sure. I get all that. But there’s something about my relationship with my fantasy that I’m starting to realise was fuelling my demons.

Up Next: Darkness

Sunday I’m going to finish an essay on what I suspect the core of my problems has been. At least, I will if I can bear being honest enough.

Tomorrow, to ramp to that, I’m going to talk about Satan.

Or the Shadow.

Or the ‘small self’.

That dark part of you that you won’t admit is there. The part of you that actually wants pain, that revels in punishment, that gets off on the suffering of others as well as your own.

Some people say we only act in our own self-interests.

Some people are blind.